


Apologies Don't Mean A Thing If You Can't Say Them

by MissingOneEye



Category: Homestuck
Genre: I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Sorry, Nothing Hurts, Other, The Author Regrets Nothing, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 05:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1593440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissingOneEye/pseuds/MissingOneEye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamzee Makara Is Alone, Everyone Left Him, But Why? Where Did Everyone Go?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> They Are Trolls In A Humanized Setting. I Apologise If You Don't Like Or If I Kill Your Feels.  
> Love You All Though.  
> :)
> 
> PREPARE YOURSELF FOR TEN CHAPTERS OF "OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY?!"

Gamzee Makara wasn’t crazy, or at least some part of his broken mind tried to convince him of this. He almost believed it, almost, but the evidence was apparent and he was too stubborn to ask for help. He had a strong suspicion that his friends hated his guts now. All he wanted, however, was for them to tell him it was going to be okay, or for one of them (a specific red blooded one) to give him a shoulder to cry on. He was alone, very alone indeed, and the only friends he had were the sayings spoken by some of his real friends, things they had said that he remembered just swam around in his head. Occasionally, he would answer their old questions, as if reliving when they had first been born. His favorite was, ‘Are you okay, Gamzee?’

“No...Karbro, I don’t think I motherfucking am.” 

It remained silent, still, and Gamzee sat against the wall with the chipping paint, thinking of happier times and trying to drown in them. When the walls attempted to breathe, he was pulled back to reality rather harshly, and as he called for Karkat, he realized quickly that there was no more Karkat, there was only him. Of course, he did wondered now and again where the hell his friends were, but he only thought bad responses, like possibly dead. Maybe that was why they were avoiding him. 

The clown cried himself to sleep that night, tears leaving streaks through the paint. His face was filthy. Halfway throughout the night, he woke himself up begging for Karkat to come back, he’d do anything. When he awoke, there was no Karkat. There was still only him. He curled up and Gamzee cried once more, but this time he didn’t sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

“Gamzee, Gamzee get the fuck up”, Karkat Vantas spoke as he nudged his friend with his foot. Back then had been much happier times, even if that did mean Karkat swearing none stop as his friend. Gamzee grunted and looked to him, whining. 

“What the motherfuck did I do?” 

“Nothing assclown, just get the fuck up”, Karkat said, growing impatient as he waiting for his friend to climb to his feet with a cocked hip. Gamzee towered over him slightly and rubbed the last bit of sleep from his eyes, grunting quietly again. 

“Alright, motherfucker, I’m up, I’m up”, he groaned, peering at the shorter male. Karkat looked up at him skeptically. 

“Right, yeah, what-the-fuck-ever.” 

“What’d you motherfuckin’ wake me up for Karbro? I was havin’ a motherfuckin’ wicked dream with...” 

“What-the-fuck-ever”, Karkat repeated harshly. Gamzee fell silent and Karkat studied his face with a lack of words. He closed his eyes, bowed his head, and sighed. 

“Okay, what? What is it”, he asked his friend. Gamzee’s face brightened a bit. 

“Well this motherfucker was all like, hey man, and it was really motherfuckin’ awkward ‘cause I had never seen that fucker in real life.” The short male slapped a palm to his forehead. 

“Do you even know what a fucking dream is”, he asked, obviously agitated. Gamzee opened his mouth to respond and Karkat showed him his hand as a signal to stay quiet. 

“Never mind.”

Karkat led Gamzee out of the room and off they went to do what they usually did on fairly decent days. 

“Oh, hello Karkat, Gamzee”, Kanaya Maryam greeted them once she saw them, not bothering to look up from her sewing though she believed it was proper to look someone in the eye when she spoke. 

“Kanaya, hi.” 

“You need assistance?”

“Yeah...I guess you could fucking say that.” 

“What was the occasion? There is a dance coming up, correct?” She looked up now, holding her needle still.  
“Do you request some clothing adjustments”, she questioned, arching an eyebrow and Karkat nodded. 

“That would be nice actually...”


	3. Chapter 3

“Gamzee, we aren’t asking for much, goddammit. Does it fucking fit?” 

“I...I motherfucking guess it does, it’s all loose and shit, but not motherfucking falling off”, Gamzee answered, confusing himself slightly. He stopped talking when Karkat gave him a look that said to. 

“Alright, fine, for fucks sake. Do you like it?” 

“I suppose it’s all motherfucking chill and shit.” Gamzee pressed his lips together, tasting paint as he nodded simply. Karkat groaned and gave Kanaya a thumbs up. She smiled simply and nodded as well. 

“I believe he looks quite nice, as do you”, she spoke confidently, eyeing her work as she circled them both. 

“I may, however, make some adjustments prior to your builds...I will mention it to you if I do.” 

“Thanks...Kanaya, really, thanks.” The two changed into their everyday clothes and handed the suits off to Kanaya who gently folded them as if they were the most fragile thing on the planet, which, they may or may not have been. Gamzee and Karkat headed out as soon as they were wearing their clothes and Karkat looked to Gamzee.

“God.”

“What is it motherfucker?” 

“You.” 

“What the motherfuck about me?”

“That shit you eat. It fucks with your think-pan”, Karkat said simply as he continued to walk, looking away from the other. Gamzee continued to watch him, feeling a strange feeling in the core of his chest. 

It felt like...could it be...guilt?

“Well, who the motherfuck else is gonna all up and go to the wicked ass dance”, he asked, changing the subject and Karkat stopped, thinking for a moment. 

“I...don’t know actually. I should probably invest fucking time into trying to figure that out. Fuck. I really don’t want this, it was fucking Vriska’s idea.” 

“I think it’s a motherfucking wicked idea.”

“Of course you fucking do, but what I’m saying is if Vriska wanted to waste her own time to make it happen that would fucking fantastic, instead she’s relying on me to do everything myself”, Karkat said, rather venomously. He growled quietly and shook his head.

“You know, relying on others is fucking stupid.”

“Why is it motherfucking stupid”, Gamzee asked, puzzled. 

“Because, Gamzee, not everyone is reliable, maybe they don’t fucking pull through in the end, you know what I mean? I don’t know why I’m asking if you get it, you probably don’t. You never do”, his friend mumbled, scratching the back of his head and drawing a blank. 

“You go ahead and head home, don’t get fucking lost. I’ll come over later. I have to fucking check up on things”, Karkat added, sighing heavily, and before Gamzee could stop him he head off. Gamzee watched with a heavy heart.


	4. Chapter 4

“It turns out, everyone is fucking going”, Karkat told Gamzee a few hours later when they were both sitting on his couch. He waved his arms around to emphasize. 

“This party is going to be the shit, or just complete shit”, he also said, lowering his arms and peering at Gamzee seriously.  
“I never know with her.” 

“With motherfucking who?”

“Vriska!” 

“Oh...” Gamzee felt a bit stupid, considering he should have known. He shrugged it off and looked back at Karkat, wondering if he meant what he said. 

“I bet it’s going to be the motherfucking shit, and it’s gonna be bitch tits sweet.” 

“I fucking hope so”, Karkat breathed out, sitting back and throwing his arms into the air. 

“It better not be complete shit!” Gamzee shrugged again at this and looked off to the side. 

“So, is everybody else gonna all up and dress the motherfuck up”, he questioned and Karkat nodded in reply, saying nothing and staring at the ceiling. 

“That’s motherfucking sick. I wonder what the hell everyone else is gonna motherfucking look like!” 

“Like shit”, Karkat said, less enthusiastic. He sighed. 

“Kanaya is going to have one fucking hell of a time trying to design clothes for every-goddamn-body.” 

“Doesn’t she like what she motherfucking does though”, Gamzee asked as if it weren’t obvious. Karkat nodded again and continued to stare at the ceiling, having his doubtful moment. 

“Well, I don’t see the motherfucking problem then”, Gamzee said, matter-of-factly.

“What”, the other male asked, looking toward him.

“What the motherfuck is the problem?” 

“Well the problem is...” 

“Nah brother, if she likes it, then she motherfucking does it, see?” 

“No...what the fuck did you just say”, Karkat asked. 

“If she likes what she does, the number of motherfucking people she does it for ain’t gonna change that”, Gamzee spoke and Karkat nodded slowly, seeing the point in that. 

“Oh...yeah...shit, I guess?”

“Nah, brother.”


	5. Chapter 5

“How many days until the...uh...party”, Tavros Nitram asked Karkat who turned right around and asked Vriska Serket. She shrugged and flipped her black hair over her shoulder. 

“Er, a week or two maybe. Best to be ready though. It’s going to be one fucking sweet party, Tav-Baby”, Vriska said smoothly, grinning and flashing her teeth. Tavros was silent as she walked by them both and waved her arm to dismiss herself. 

“I never know with her”, Karkat repeated and Tavros nodded real slow. 

“Two fucking weeks”, Eridan Ampora asked Karkat when Karkat told him. He just nodded in response and Eridan pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. 

“Honestly, if she fucks this up”, he started to say, but faltered. 

“Goodbye Kar”, he ended and closed the door rather harshly. 

“Two weeks, fishfuck”, Karkat called out through the door before turning and heading off to see Sollux. 

“She said two weeks until show time”, he explained and Sollux nodded simply, as if caring less. 

“You’re going, right?” 

“Of course I fucking am”, he said, lisp apparent. Karkat nodded a bit and bit at his bottom lip. 

“Really, what the hell are you still doing here, KK? I have to do some coding, so if you wouldn’t mind...” 

“Two weeks.”

“I got that.” 

Karkat nodded again and left after a minute of awkward silence and staring. Gamzee was at home when Karkat came back. 

“I told them. Two weeks.” 

“Two weeks until?” 

“The shitty ass party that Vriska is apparently planning for all of us? I don’t fucking know, but if a badly wired stage light falls on me, there’s going to be serious fucking juju for that spiderbitch.” Gamzee snickered a bit. 

“I’m fucking serious”, Karkat said coldly and watched Gamzee shrug. 

“I mean, if a motherfucking light falls on me, I guess I’d be a little bit upset too, Brother”, Gamzee pointed out simply, shrugging. 

“Right?” 

“Of course”, he added, nodding. Karkat pouted a bit as he sat down. 

“Is it wrong that I have a fucking bad feeling”, he asked Gamzee, looking to him with a face confused of emotion.

“I guess it motherfucking might be, but she all up and fucked you over a few times...so I don’t have a clue”, Gamzee replied quietly, shrugging and breaking eye contact. 

“It’s going to be all up and great, don’t motherfucking worry. Just get your motherfucking relax on.” 

“Easy for you to say, you’re nothing but relaxation and pie.”

“Oh no, brother, no pie.”


	6. Chapter 6

Five days before the dance, everyone practically had their clothing for the occasion rounded up together and Karkat was avoiding Vriska in the fear that she would give him another assignment to do. “Are you fucking excited”, Karkat asked Gamzee that night. He shrugged in response. 

“I might motherfucking be excited.”

“Thanks for the fucking answer”, Karkat replied sarcastically. Gamzee shrugged again. 

“I could care motherfucking less.” 

“Oh. Do you think my fucking suit looks good on me?” 

“Why?” 

“I was wondering if I should have Kanaya make any fucking adjustments, why else”, Karkat questioned angrily. Gamzee smiled at him and nodded. 

“I think it looks motherfucking fantastic on you, Karbro”, he replied chilly. Karkat smiled slightly and nodded, sitting by Gamzee. 

“Gamzee...can I admit something now?”

“Yeah, what the motherfuck is it that’s all up and on your chest”, Gamzee asked. Karkat swallowed hard. 

“I’ve sort of...been a fucking ass, you know? I just...I wanted to fucking...”

“Apologise? Are you trying to motherfucking apologise Karbro?”   
“I...you can say that, I guess...but listen...” Gamzee was silent, looking toward him. 

“Gamzee. I didn’t mean to be a complete fuckup, okay, I just, I want to think there is someone who is more of a fuckup than I am...but that...I guess that’s not true right?” 

“Why are you motherfucking saying all this now?” 

“I...I don’t think I can really keep from fucking saying it now, I’m seriously fucking dying over here okay, you fuckass! Just shut up! Just listen to me! What I’m trying to say is...” 

“Fuck, I’m sorry. Do you fucking hate me Gamzee, because I treat you like you’re fucking retarded, but you’re not you know, and that shit you eat, I don’t care that you eat it, just...you know, don’t fucking change. I...I would hate myself if I fucked up even more than I already did.” 

“Eating the motherfucking shit? Karbro, I haven’t been eating that shit. You were right. It does fuck up my motherfucking think-pan. I’m starting to motherfucking see that now...”

“Gamzee...” The clown leaned closer to the other, pressing his lips to the shorter male’s, shutting him up. Karkat’s eyes widen and Gamzee gently pushed him down onto the couch, kissing him again. He pulled back, smirking at the smeared make-up. 

“What were you trying to say motherfucker?” 

“I’m so sorry...”

“I motherfucking don’t care what happened, I don’t care at all...brother, it’s motherfucking fine...” 

“Gamzee...” Karkat reached up and brushed some of his friend’s hair out of his face before his friend kissed him again.


	7. Chapter 7

Karkat stared at himself in the body length mirror and smiled a bit before looking to Gamzee who adjusted his tie a bit awkwardly. Karkat sighed and did it for him, rolling his eyes. “Are you fucking ready, you dumbass?” 

“I’m motherfucking ready...” He leaned down and kissed the shorter male softly. 

“Thanks Gamzee...”

“Yeah...” 

At the party, everyone looked fantastic. Nepeta was wearing a sparkling green dress of many different shades, Vriska wearing a blue one of one shade that stopped around her ankles, and Aradia was wearing a maroon colored dress that was layered and poofed out slightly. Kanaya had a dark green one split down one leg, Terezi a turquoise dress with a white jacket, and Feferi a fuchsia dress that was longer in the front than the back. The men in the room wore ties of their favorite colours and all of them, except for Karkat, had black suits. Karkat’s was a dark stormy gray and his tie was black. 

“Hi Gamzee”, Nepeta Leijon spoke as she saw him and came over, smiling a bit. 

“Oh, hey sister.” 

“What’s Karkitty doing”, she asked, looking toward where Karkat was standing. 

“Oh you know, important motherfucking business. He’s doing the conversation shit and I ain’t no good at it, so I’m all up and watching from afar.” 

“Oh...is that it?” She looked to him and then back at Gamzee. 

“Do you wanna dance with him”, she asked quietly and Gamzee looked down at her, shrugging. 

“Dancing is fun, and I’m super lonely”, Nepeta explained and Gamzee found himself smiling at the pun she used. 

“Wanna dance”, she asked after a minute and Gamzee watched her, nodding slowly and taking her hand, pulling her onto his feet and smiling down at her. After a few minutes of dancing rather stupidly with Nepeta, he let her go and she ran off to go tell Kanaya about her endeavour. 

Many of Gamzee’s friends were bunched up in different groups by now, talking, and their conversations flowed together creating an inaudible mess that hurt Gamzee’s head. He excused himself and left the room, heading outside to get some fresh air. His head was killing him and his heart was beating a bit faster than usual. He swallowed large gulps of air, sweating a bit as he took his jacket off and set it aside, sitting down on a bench. He scratched at the paint on his face absentmindedly as his head pounded and his stomach churned. He doubled over after a minute and found himself puking up what he had just ate. He felt miserable and. grabbing his head, he began to cry. 

He thought this was a special occasion and he didn’t want to ruin it for Karkat, so he remained outside until he felt a hand on his shoulder a few minutes later. He looked up from crying, head aching, and looked toward the figure behind him. It was Nepeta. She eyed the vomit on the floor and her nose scrunched up. “Are you okay, Mister Makara?”


	8. Chapter 8

He didn’t say anything and just watched her blankly, sudden hideous urges flowing around his mind, thoughts of hurting her tried to take control. He was panting now, shaking his head and trying to mutter for her to leave, but the pounding in his head was so sudden and so loud that it deafened him. “Gamzee?”  
“Go...please...go the motherfuck away”, he spoke shakily, talking now to someone who wasn’t her, who was him, a him he didn’t quite know. 

She stared at him blankly, but her face was creased with worry. “Are you okay”, she asked again and Gamzee whimpered. 

“Go away...” 

Thoughts to hurt her become prominent.

“Please...”

She was worried about him. 

“Go away....I’m begging you...”

She reached out to touch him, eyes wide, eyebrows furrowed. 

“I don’t want to hurt you...”

Her head was slammed into the bench and a horrified clown stumbled back, hands covered with her blood. She groaned quietly, blood already running down the side of her face. She was lying next to the bench, eyelids drooping and eyes closing. The bench was stone. What had he done. He eyed his hands, head aching even more. Tears ran down his cheeks because he didn’t what he was doing, it was telling him to, to kill them, they hurt him. 

He wiped his hands off as much as he could on his jacket, leaving it on the far end of the bench as he backed away again and ran off, heading back inside. He was trying to make it stop, but everyone slow danced around him and the music entered through his ears as distorted screaming. He wailed loudly and flipped the table in his panic. Everyone fell quiet and watched him. “Gamzee?! What the hell”, Vriska screamed. 

He didn’t know how she ended up on the floor, but he could feel her blood dripped down his cheek. Everyone was staring in horror and trying to figure out what had happened, but too fast did some of them end up on the floor, screaming as something heavy crushed into their skulls and silenced them. Gamzee was wailing, crying, and blood covered his hands, his clothes, and his face. Aradia was lying on the ground, arm twisted in a rather grotesque way. Sollux was sitting against the wall, head bowed as blood ran from his mouth. A chair, Gamzee thought it had been a chair in his hands, but he didn’t remember how Sollux ended up like that. He looked around once and saw the few left staring in horror and trying to do something. It all happened so fast, but he was covered in quite a bit of green when the chainsaw came out, and violet was next to follow, but he wasn’t sure how that ended up on his clothes either. 

Did he do it? They all lied around him, all except one. Karkat stared in horror at his best friend who was choking on tears and trying to wipe the blood off on his pants. “Ka...Karbro...?”

“Ga....what the...fuck....did you do?” 

Gamzee was at a loss of words.


	9. Chapter 9

Gamzee remembered, sitting there alone, why his friends weren’t coming around anymore. They were dead. The conclusions he had hypothesized were actually factual and he choked on his tears as he clawed at his face.

“No...please...don’t go...don’t motherfucking leave me....I’m sorry...”

He cried and cried, for hours, until he couldn’t cry anymore. He climbed to his feet and headed outside for the first time in a while, wandering around emotionally lost until he arrived to the room the party had been in, decorations ripped to shreds from a year ago. The bodies were gone, he expected that, but he wandered around nonetheless. The room was dark and quiet. As Gamzee walked in, he realized it wasn’t as silent as he had once thought. The quiet sound of weeping drew Gamzee closer to the stage and he stopped when he saw a kneeling figure. Karkat cried, mourning the loss of his friends on the day they died a year or so ago. Gamzee’s eyes widened, seeing his best friend, and for a minute he forgot that anything was wrong, stepping closer to hug him. 

Something broke under his foot and quickly, Karkat turned and saw him, not thinking twice as he shoved his sickle through Gamzee’s stomach. His eyes widened in horror, indigo blood finding its way out of his mouth as he gasped. Pain flooded his body and Karkat had the sickle still, leaning against him. “Gamzee...” 

“Kar....bro...” Karkat’s eyes widened a bit at the familiar nickname and tears were brought to his eyes. He had thought, the year his friends had died, that when he saw Gamzee again, he could kill him. It wouldn’t hurt. He deserved to die. 

Gamzee slowly crumbled to the ground and Karkat dropped the sickle, dropping to his knees by Gamzee. “No, fuck, I’m so sorry...I didn’t...Gamzee...” 

“Karbro...brother...I....I thought....I hurt you...I....I’m so....motherfucking sorry...I...I don’t know....why the motherfuck...I...did it....you know?” Karkat was crying by now, hugging him tightly. 

“No, Gamzee, you’ll be okay, I’m so sorry...I didn’t...I thought killing you would...be the right thing...but you’re the only one I have left....I’m so sorry...I regret it...you’ll be okay”, Karkat said, trying to reassure himself.

“Nah brother....” 

“This is the end of the motherfucking line for me....I...I can’t say...I don’t wanna....you know...kick the fucking....bucket...” Karkat laughed very slightly at this and continued to cry. 

“Cause...I probably motherfucking deserve it....huh? They...all motherfucking.....hate me now....” 

“Don’t say that...it...it wasn’t you...”

“Is that what you motherfucking.....think?” Karkat was silent and he didn’t say anything, he couldn’t, he was afraid his voice would crack. 

“Gamzee...” 

“I love you...” Karkat’s eyes widened at that and he fell silent once again, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“What?”

“I love you so motherfucking much....I thought...I lost you...” 

“But...you’re fine...and...I’m not motherfucking okay...I....I’m a motherfucking monster...” He reached up with a bloody and shaky hand, stroking Karkat’s cheek and kissing him softly before he couldn’t and his hand dropped to his side. 

“Gamzee? No...that’s not true...Gamzee?! No..you’re not a monster...you’re going to be okay....Gamzee...Gamzee answer me....Gamzee!!!”


	10. Chapter 10

“Ga....what the...fuck....did you do?” 

Gamzee was supposed to say something, say anything, but how could he? He looked around again, trying to wipe the blood away. He had never seen Karkat cry, but he was, he was drowning in his tears. Gamzee wanted this to be a bad dream, maybe the dance was tomorrow, but he knew it wasn’t. 

Karkat was shaking, he was angry, but he was choking as well. Gamzee didn’t know what to do. 

“I’ll kill you...I’ll fucking kill you...you....you better fucking go....go away Gamzee!!! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! I hate you!!! I hate you so much!!! YOU FUCKING MONSTER!! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, I’LL KILL YOU, I WILL, I SWEAR!!!” 

Gamzee winced, turning away and running, running until that place and all his friends were behind him. He had to run. His best friend hated him, he really would kill him. 

But, Karkat couldn’t kill him, and even as he dropped to his knees and wailed, he knew this. He couldn’t kill the one he loved. 

“Next time...Next time I will....I’ll avenge you all...I’m so sorry...” 

But, he still loved him. 

Why did this have to happen?


End file.
